The great return

Well, my excitement in returning to Vancouver has dimmed somewhat. This could be due to the blizzard and deep freeze that broke all kinds of records in the Lower Mainland. Though, having just returned from Calgary, this may not have affected me as much as the lovely contaminated water I had to bathe in for over a week. Disgusting.

Speed dating is not just for the weirdos

I finally tried speed dating with a friend last week, exactly three weeks before I was to head back to Vancouver. I went for the amusement factor and boy, it did not disappoint.

Let me preface this entry with the fact that I know there are normal people out there. I'll even concede that there are normal people in Calgary. Still, so many wierdos, so little time but let me give it a shot.

*Mr. Role Play*
Unfortunately, my first "date" of the evening started by bringing up role playing, which quickly devolves into a monologue about swords, magical capes and dragons with me just nodding occassionally. Is it racist for me to point out that he was Asian? Here's the best part. After our five minutes were up, he moved over to my friend, K's, table. He was furiously writing and when K noted that he was making a lot of notes, his response was that "we talked A LOT". We were not off to a good start.

*Mr. Web Designer*
This charming *cough* man (who incidentally looks like Igor) sat down and told me that he's done NOTHING in 5 years. Yes, he spoke in the emphatic. Lives in Okotok or some equally ridiculous sounding name. His sister nagged him enough to try this thing out. He recently started to shake things up by making career changes. Apparently, he's picked up web design. When asked what programming language he is most comfortable in, his response "Dreamweaver". Enough said.

*Mr. Argyll Sweater*
This poor man showed up in a sweater so ugly and so old that it reminded me of a grandfather's Christmas sweater and I kept waiting to see reindeer jump off it. I don't remember much of our conversation because his 5 strands of thin, fly-away blonde hair kept waving around and distracting me.

*Mr. Stud*
This weasly, little, and supremely unattractive mole of an Asian man tells me that he's done this a lot so the staff always ask him for his opinion. I guess that was his intimidation tactic so that I would be my charmingbest. He also mentions that he's single cause he won't sleep with his clients, who all want him. Yeah, right.

*Mr. Resume*
Old as the hills. Certainly, old enough to be my father! This guy didn't even give me a chance to talk. Just sat there and rattled off his resume for 5 minutes. When my eyes started to glaze over, I asked him what he would do if he got to start it all over. As an example, I would be a spy but he apparently is so happy with his life that he wouldn't change a thing. You may wonder what he does...movie theatre janitor. Okay, I am a snob and going to hell but thank God these "dates" were only 7 minutes!

To be fair to the men, the women looked even worse. Though there were no obvious deformities, there was a general sense of dowdiness and awkwardness. I wanted to shout, come on ladies, shoulders back, chest out!!! I talked to a few of the girls during the break and they were giving me all the stats on the men such as what they did, how many kids they had, etc. I didn't have any of that information! It occured to me that perhaps I did this whole thing incorrectly.

Forget cowboys...give me a fireman!

Here's my favourite Stampede story. Fittingly enough, it all happened at Nashville North, a HUGE, grimy tent with lots of beer and cowboy hats.

Met a boy who was joking about working as a plumber and coffee maker for the city and then suddenly says, you know what I really do, right? Turns out, he has a profession that is irresitable to all of womankind. The un-exact quote was along the lines of "I didn't tell you what I actually do for a living because girls usually just want me for that reason alone". Turns out he's a fireman. Woohoo! I was pretty proud that I didn't fall for him in that second. I'm also proud that I didn't say "jack-fucking-pot". Here's the best part...the twat was wearing a freakin' fire department shirt for all the world to see! Dumb-ass. Okay, that's one.

Then he goes on to say, "You know that firemen don't make all that much money, right? I do what I do because I love it so much, yada, yada, yada". Getting better and better, huh? I told him that I'm okay with him being poor if he's okay with me being rich. You see, I'm far too shallow to do something I love for no money, I'd rather take over the world and be unhappy along the way. That's two.

Next, he goes on a tangent about how he wants someone who will just get along with his buddies, how they have bbq's together all the time and he doesn't want to have to babysit anyone. They're his family. Awwww. Told him I wasn't going to marry him...or his "family" so he should stop scaring the hell out of me. I know this is Calgary, but shouldn't you dance at least 2 songs before marriage discussions? That's three.

Speaking of dancing, he manages to finally drag me on to the dance floor. I did it mostly because I wanted to shut him up. Anyways, on the way to the dance floor, he asks how tall I was. His response to my answer was "It is so great that you are only 5'3 cause I am 5'6 and I'm usually the shortest guy around and the guys at the station are always giving me a hard time". First of all, shut-up before you say anything stupid and secondly, do you really want to point out that you are the shortest guy around?! That's four but oh, we're not done yet.

Next is "I used to have a problem with Asians but now I am totally over that. I find your culture to be so amazing and the girls are so exotic". Look how much this guy has grown and developed! Wow, not only will he accept Asians in his white, narrow-minded, nazi-raced mind, he is also dancing with one. Does he realize that his children may not have blond hair and blue eyes? I'm positive that he will soon be walking without having to drag his fists along the ground. That's five.

Then the grand finale: "You should come and hang out at the station with me. I want to introduce you to all my firemen friends, they are totally going to think I won a trophy". Fan-fucking-tastic. That's six.

So, you may be wondering why I stuck around for all that. Actually, the really sad thing is that it really didn't last that long. He managed all that in about 20 minutes, pretty impressive huh? There's also the fact that I was actually highly amused by the whole thing.

Stay tuned for the sequel that will never, ever happen.

Dog and pony show

Well, I've just survived my first Stampede in my new home town. It's amazing, the capacity for adults to play at Halloween for 10 straight days. I have a hard enough time with the dress up game once a year. The rule of thumb appeared to come down to two things...small and tight. I lived in constant fear all week lest I get a peak at body parts I really didn't want to see.

Not only are the cowboy costumes bizarre, the party pace in the city boggles the mind. It simply does not stop...where do these people get their energy? It's funny though, most locals (or at least, born and bred Calgarians) do tend to avoid the whole thing.