The great return

Well, my excitement in returning to Vancouver has dimmed somewhat. This could be due to the blizzard and deep freeze that broke all kinds of records in the Lower Mainland. Though, having just returned from Calgary, this may not have affected me as much as the lovely contaminated water I had to bathe in for over a week. Disgusting.

Speed dating is not just for the weirdos

I finally tried speed dating with a friend last week, exactly three weeks before I was to head back to Vancouver. I went for the amusement factor and boy, it did not disappoint.

Let me preface this entry with the fact that I know there are normal people out there. I'll even concede that there are normal people in Calgary. Still, so many wierdos, so little time but let me give it a shot.

*Mr. Role Play*
Unfortunately, my first "date" of the evening started by bringing up role playing, which quickly devolves into a monologue about swords, magical capes and dragons with me just nodding occassionally. Is it racist for me to point out that he was Asian? Here's the best part. After our five minutes were up, he moved over to my friend, K's, table. He was furiously writing and when K noted that he was making a lot of notes, his response was that "we talked A LOT". We were not off to a good start.

*Mr. Web Designer*
This charming *cough* man (who incidentally looks like Igor) sat down and told me that he's done NOTHING in 5 years. Yes, he spoke in the emphatic. Lives in Okotok or some equally ridiculous sounding name. His sister nagged him enough to try this thing out. He recently started to shake things up by making career changes. Apparently, he's picked up web design. When asked what programming language he is most comfortable in, his response "Dreamweaver". Enough said.

*Mr. Argyll Sweater*
This poor man showed up in a sweater so ugly and so old that it reminded me of a grandfather's Christmas sweater and I kept waiting to see reindeer jump off it. I don't remember much of our conversation because his 5 strands of thin, fly-away blonde hair kept waving around and distracting me.

*Mr. Stud*
This weasly, little, and supremely unattractive mole of an Asian man tells me that he's done this a lot so the staff always ask him for his opinion. I guess that was his intimidation tactic so that I would be my charmingbest. He also mentions that he's single cause he won't sleep with his clients, who all want him. Yeah, right.

*Mr. Resume*
Old as the hills. Certainly, old enough to be my father! This guy didn't even give me a chance to talk. Just sat there and rattled off his resume for 5 minutes. When my eyes started to glaze over, I asked him what he would do if he got to start it all over. As an example, I would be a spy but he apparently is so happy with his life that he wouldn't change a thing. You may wonder what he does...movie theatre janitor. Okay, I am a snob and going to hell but thank God these "dates" were only 7 minutes!

To be fair to the men, the women looked even worse. Though there were no obvious deformities, there was a general sense of dowdiness and awkwardness. I wanted to shout, come on ladies, shoulders back, chest out!!! I talked to a few of the girls during the break and they were giving me all the stats on the men such as what they did, how many kids they had, etc. I didn't have any of that information! It occured to me that perhaps I did this whole thing incorrectly.